In February of 2019, I took a day off of school for our interview for the Peace Corps. When I told students I was away for an "interview" I immediately saw and heard protest from students who thought I would be another one to leave. I told them it wasn't like that, it was just something I have been looking into for a while, and that there are a thousand reasons to stay in the Pajaro Valley High School Community. I told co-workers and administration that leaving was a possibility, and for the gossipers that teachers seem to be, it seemed to not get to students. It was almost finalized for a long time, but still up in the air enough to not tell everyone that I was definitely leaving.
On May 19th, I told each of my classes that it was final, I was going next year to Morocco. I showed them a map, and pictures of Morocco, and when I turned around, during almost every period, I would catch a student crying or covering their face. I didn't really expect that. Students who I thought really didn't care for the class they were in, or me, ended up telling me that the opposite and were really going to miss me being there. The next couple of weeks were full of a lot more hugs, processing, and explaining to students what little I knew about where I was going and what I would be doing.
The last week was harder for me. Then there were a lot of "See you later"'s that I knew would probably not happen. I said goodbye to a lot of people that week, but emotionally I felt fatigued. I didn't really internalize what that meant. I have seen graduates come and go from the high school, and have always known they were on to do great things. Many of those students though, I have seen again! They come home for holidays, go to school events, I see their siblings, sometimes as students of mine, and the contact is always there. I kept their pictures on the wall, self-portraits or newspaper clippings, or autographs. For years their footprints have been on the classroom and have never left (and in one very specific case, a hand print; covered up by a poster).
This graduating class is the class that I started with. Back then, they were better students than I was a teacher! Many of the sophomores that I started teaching, turned into juniors in my next year's classes, and then became lunchtime regulars in my daily life. I said their names at graduation, signed their yearbooks, met their families, and these are all things that my current students saw. I have had students (Sophomores) say "You are actually fake, you can't sign our yearbook!" or "I wanted you to read MY name when we graduate!" or "So you get to come back once right? are you going to come back for our graduation?" or Juniors asking who would be their adviser next year. Hearing those realizations vocalized in the voices of the students I cared so much about affected me in a special way. It made me feel like I really mattered in their life, even if it was just for a fleeting 9 months. I had already had all of those thoughts in my head, but I swept them away as thinking that they wouldn't really care about all of that stuff, especially in two years! It seems as though they did.
It all seemed to catch up and hit me at an awkward time. Sure I had cried at notes and songs and heartfelt goodbyes, but I had kept it pretty restrained. Things got pretty emotional when I talked to a student buddy as we were taking everything off of the walls, throwing everything away, but I didn't break down. A tear here and there, a few well ups per day maybe, but not bawling, not streaming, I didn't think that I would. After graduation, I went to a 5th grade promotion ceremony at Radcliff Elementary, where Jasa had been student teaching. I didn't know the children, so the event was not exactly emotional for me, until the very end.
All of the children started singing in unison, a song they learned in science camp
And I was thinking maybe somewhere later down the road After all our stories have been told I'd sit and think of you The dear friend I once knew Shot threw my life like a shooting star
Sometimes I know that a part of you will show Deep in my heart and in my smile There will always be a part of you deep inside my heart And I'll know just when to let it go
I lost it.
I was crying at the 5th grade promotion more than anyone else that I saw.
Just like after graduation, I sat in the car tearing to whatever music was on, it was all splashing on me. Later, just to go full on, I watched a video a couple of students had made. One choir, one math, singing a song they wrote for me leaving. That's when I broke out in the ol' ugly face cry, and have been crying intermittently ever since like a middle schooler whose boyfriend took another girl to taco bell.
PV Students: You are that shining star. You all have taught me so much, and helped form into the person I am today. You have changed what I know, what I believe, and how I act and think. You have made me passionate about things I would otherwise have not known about. You are all hard working, respectful, super stars with open minds and no excuses, and it feels so good to have been such a welcomed part of the fam. I will always look back on the memories that I have shared with all of you, past and present. I want you to know that all of these teachers leaving has nothing to do with y'all. You all are 1,400 out of the 1,500 reasons there are to stay. I know Jasa wants to come back to Watsonville as much as I do. If our will is strong enough to get us to move to Morocco, I have faith that we will choose to come back. Even though most of you will have graduated, keep an eye out for us in the community. I can't wait to see all of the amazing things that you start after high school.
Don't be afraid to contact me with your accomplishments. If you need someone to brag to, I don't know who would love to hear it more than me!
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